I suffer from loneliness.
It’s been a long time, too long, honestly.
The only thing I’ve had is time-time to talk to myself in the mirror.
Feeling left out became second nature to me. I almost expected it.
But when my dad left me, it wasn’t the kind of loneliness I thought I already knew.
It was something else entirely, a missing piece that left a gaping hole.
And day by day, that space inside me just got emptier.
If you looked closely into my eyes, you’d probably see the darkness I try so hard to hide. But I’d never let you look that deep.
I wouldn’t even let myself.
I’m hiding more than I ever admit, even to myself.
I try to escape the thoughts that convince me I’m somehow broken.
Not physically, but mentally.
And the thing is, when your mind convinces you you’re not okay, your body starts to believe it too.
Panic attacks. Breathlessness.
And what’s worse than feeling like you can’t breathe?
You start to feel like you could stop existing any second, and no one would know what really happened inside you.
There were moments when I had no visible injuries, no real “reason” to be hurting, but I was completely, totally disabled.
People say time heals.
But it’s been four years.
And I don’t feel healed.
In fact, I feel like I’ve just gathered more pain, more questions, more reasons to believe maybe it wasn’t ever going to heal.
Everyone says things, “be positive,” “stay strong,” “this too shall pass”, but most of them haven’t lived what I have.
They say those words to fill the silence.
I’m not here to fill the silence.
I’m here trying to fill that gap I feel all the time.
They say “journal your feelings.”
I used to. I’d write about funny memories, silly school moments.
But now, I don’t even know how to tell a piece of paper how much I miss my dad.
My diary is still that 16-year-old girl who had both her parents.
Who didn’t fully realize how big of a blessing that was.
Who didn’t see how quickly things could fall apart.
And now, she just wouldn’t understand me.
To be continued.
Hmm. There are very deep feelings in the article. I have no words. I don’t know; maybe it’s just as you said, the feeling the one goes through is different than a sympathizer or empathizer. I wish that you find that gap filler in your life. something healing, meaningful, and lasting.
This was so raw and real. I felt every word, it really stayed with me.
You are so brave roop